Sree Narayana Guru’s Concept of Marriage
Dr.Sreekumar Sreedharan, former Associate Professor, Kerala Agricultural University, India, presently works as a Consultant and lives in Canada. 25.08.08
It is reported that Mukesh Ambani, the fifth richest man in the world is in the process of constructing the most expensive residential complex in the world, costing one billion US dollars (Rs.four thousand crores). This is the “Antilla”, twenty seven floors in downtown Mumbai, (550 feet tall, similar to a sixty storey building) 400,000 square feet and when completed will require 600 staffers to work full time for maintaining the facilities. Lakshmi Mittal, the London based Indian steel magnate, the fourth richest man in the world, recently is reported to have spent US$55 million (Rs.220 crores), to celebrate his daughter’s marriage at the Versailles palace and the celebrations were spread over six days. Subrata Roy of Sahara Group celebrated the wedding of his two sons in Lucknow, India, with 11,000 guests. Opulent marriages and extravagant spending have become fashionable and the order of the day. This trend unfortunately, has also penetrated into every segment of the Kerala society. This is an indication of the increase in consumerism and materialism, driven by the idea “I want my daughter’s / son’s wedding celebrations to be bigger and better than that of my neighbour’s daughter or son’s wedding”. The idea is that you win only if your daughter’s wedding is grander than your neighbour’s, i.e. to keep up with the Jones’, as they say in the US. This extravagance is already a vicious circle causing serious social problems.
The wedding industry in Kerala is reported to be growing at 25% annually, whereas the actual manufacturing industry is in decline. All across the state the marriage industry is flourishing through the mushrooming marriage halls that are growing not only in cities but also in the rural areas (rent is between Rs. One and two lakhs per day), jewellery and textile shops (cost of a wedding saree could be as high as Rs. two lakhs), catering centers providing multiple cuisine, interior decorators, videographers, etc. The minimum budget for a wedding ceremony in N.America is around US$26,000/-, while in India, it is reported to be US$34,000/-. No wonder Keralites spend three times more on their wedding expenses, than what the state government spends on health care. I have seen upper middle class and middle class families spending between Rs.10 lakhs and Rs.15 lakhs for their daughter’s marriage. It is interesting to analyse the various components of marriage expenses. ‘Dowry” is the most expensive component – which is given as gold and cash. The more gold jewellery the bride displays, the higher the prestige for the family. Oddly, the bride gets literally weighed down by the weight of the gold, which could be as high as 500 sovereigns. One can only imagine the physical discomfort of the bride who has to wear these heavy jewellery for several hours, and the relief when she is able to finally remove them at the end of a long day. These days the groom’s family even demands a house / apartment, a car and even household appliances such as TV, fridge, stove, etc., which are part of the dowry.
Page (2)
Then there are expenses for the wedding dress not only for the bride but also for the relatives on both sides, which sometimes even include jewellery for the family members. One must also take into account the substantial expenses for the mandap decorations and food. The families also have to bear the post marriage expenses for the reception, honeymoon, etc. Besides the obvious, there are also several hidden expenses. For e.g., the expenses relating to illuminating the houses and even in the event of a power outage, the illumination is still expected to continue with hired generators. The downside is that the parents should have deep pockets. In the west, usually the bride and the groom will pool their resources together to meet the marriage expenses and in some cases, the parents contribute whatever they can afford. In India, even in the case of a wealthy person, after the marriage of three or four daughters with this level of expenditure, it is bound to make a dent in his networth. One can only imagine the fate of parents who are forced to borrow, to meet these unnecessary expenses, which will eventually force them into financial ruin and bankruptcy. These symptoms are already appearing in our society - these deeper malaise manifest in family suicides, when the celebrations are finally over.
To understand the magnitude and gravity of this problem, we need to look at three communities in Kerala, i.e.muslims, ezhavas and nairs. The muslims traditionally always gave dowry to the bride which is called the ‘Mehr’. This is the amount a husband promises to pay the wife, which is the opposite of dowry, which is prohibited in Islam. The Quran admonishes the faithful as : “Since you have sought marital enjoyment with your wives, give them their marriage portions as stipulated (Mehr). Seek them in marriage with gifts from your property, desiring chastity, not lust. Live with them on a footing of kindness and equity.” Even when Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) married Khadija, his uncle Hamza gave the Prophet (PBUH) camels and goats as ‘dowry’, as the Prophet (PBUH) could not afford the ‘Mehr’. The Arabs still continue this tradition. In the oil rich Gulf states today, the government has set aside special marriage funds to help eligible arab boys to get married, when they are unable to come up with the ‘Mehr’. Unfortunately, in Kerala there appears to be a reversal of this tradition amongst some muslim communities, where the parents of the bride are expected to bear a lot of marriage expenditures including dowry. This is no different amongst the Hindu communities, of the ezhavas and nairs, who never offered or accepted dowry in the past. These days if the boy is a doctor (specialized), IIT engineer with an MBA, or an IAS officer, etc., they demand more gold and cash as dowry, according to their status, fully aware of the fact that it is illegal to ask for or receive dowry, which is an indictable offence. Recognizing this social evil, the government is reported to be in the process of not only introducing a law to limit marriage expenses but also to limit the number of guests invited. It is shameful that the government has to contemplate introducing luxury tax on marriage expenditure, in order to discourage the extravagance.
Kerala has always boasted of having the highest literacy rate in India. Yet, the education and knowledge do not appear to have helped them conduct marriage ceremonies in a rational manner. In my opinion, there should be a radical shift in our thinking about the purpose of marriage. Opulent and extravagant marriage celebrations are only to satisfy one’s ego, as when there are 11,000 guests for a marriage. Why does it have to be a social
Page (3)
display? Instead, it should be an occasion for close relatives and friends, who really mean well for the couple and family. It will be worthwhile for us to look into the insight of Sree Narayana Guru’s vision on weddings more than a century ago and learn from his wisdom. Sree Narayana Guru believed that the prospective bride and groom should be given an opportunity to meet and exchange ideas before finalizing an arranged marriage (this is not necessary in the case of love marriages). He suggested public places such as temples, prayer halls and community centers for such meetings. It is the duty of the parents of the bride and the bridegroom to arrange for such meetings. The practical Guru suggested that this meeting should be held at least thirty days before fixing any arranged marriage. He advocated a gap of fifteen days between the first meeting and the engagement and another fifteen days for the actual marriage to take place. This arrangement will give ample time for the young couple to introspect and think over, as they have to spend a whole life time together. This would give them an opportunity to call off the engagement or marriage, should they have second thoughts. At present, the ‘pennu kannal chadangu’ (seeing the bride for the first time) is usually held at the bride’s residence, in the presence of both family members. Usually the boy and the girl come under pressure to say either ‘yes’ or ‘no’ immediately afterwards. Instead of this, a meeting should be arranged at a public place without the relatives, so that the young couple can communicate freely in order to help them decide, as suggested by the Guru.
In my opinion, the boy and the girl should ideally meet several times and be given six months time before the engagement and another six months time after the engagement, which gives both parties ample time to get to know one another, in our present complex society. Guru wanted marriages to be held only in designated public places, where there is a facility to record marriages in appropriate legal registers. When it comes to the number of persons attending the wedding, his views were truly radical. He limited the number of people attending a wedding to ten. These ten persons are the bride and groom, their parents, one friend each of the bride and groom, a priest and a community leader. Many of us may disagree with this limited number of ten persons. Our population has grown and the society is transformed. We live in a worldwide web and the situation is not the same as in Guru’s days in the late 1800’s. It is my opinion that a guest list between 200 and 400 persons would be more appropriate for the present day, i.e. about 100 to 200 persons from each family would be in line with the sprit and teachings of Guru.
Guru encouraged a modest marriage ceremony. The priest is to hand over the ‘thali’ and garlands after saying a simple prayer seeking the blessings of God. Those who are present are asked to bless the couple. The Guru’s concept of the marriage ceremony is probably the simplest wedding anyone could conduc,t both in spirit and objective. Many of the wealthy parents do desire to spend a lot of money for the wedding celebrations, especially in the case of a single daughter. Recognizing this wish of the parents, Guru gave a practical suggestion to deposit the amount in the bank that they would have otherwise spent on the marriage expenses and give this bank receipt as a gift to the newly weds. He believed that this will help the couple’s future financial needs and also of the grandchildren. Modern financial management experts have concluded that almost everyone regardless of their wealth is likely to undergo a major financial crises at least
Page (4)
once in their lifetime. It is therefore prudent to follow the Guru’s advice asking us to think twice before indulging in extravagance. He reminds us that the consequences of
unwise spending will be unpleasant, especially for families with limited resources. This is most relevant to the population of Kerala, regardless of caste, creed and religious beliefs, as this marriage industry is spreading its tentacles across every community. Dayananda Saraswathy of Arya Samaj initiated a very simple marriage ceremony along the lines suggested by Guru. The hindu Punjabis who are followers of the Arya Samaj, do not appear to heed the advise of Dayananda Saraswathy. They indulge in lavish weddings and demand a hefty dowry, as the present day ezhavas / thiyyas, who are the followers of Sree Narayana Guru.
The Guru had expressed his views on a wide range of topics to his followers and Atmananda Swamigal, one of his disciples compiled these into a reference book ‘Sree Narayana Dharmam’ in which Guru compared giving and receiving dowry as a shameful act and considered it no different from a commercial transaction. He had strong views on the dowry system and reminded his followers that this is equivalent to buying and selling your own children. Another practical instruction from the Guru was that he wanted the couple to undergo a medical examination prior to fixing the marriage, especially for the boys. He had in depth knowledge of ayurveda (Indian traditional medicine) and was also a renowned physician. He was aware of the fact that men could have more complications from sexual dysfunction than women, especially the risks of abnormal sperms, total count, impotency etc., leading to sterility. Indirectly he was encouraging the parents to produce clean medical health reports to be exchanged, instead of horoscopes. Unfortunately, these days almost everyone is concentrating on horoscopes and pay no attention to the medical facts. Another admonition from the Guru was, that those persons with mental illness, communicable and hereditary diseases, should never get married. He referred specifically to leprosy, which was prevalent during his time and in our present day, we have to be cautious about Aids and sexually transmitted diseases.
There should be a fundamental change in our thinking and attitude and let me conclude by narrating the practice of a ‘wine ceremony’ in the Nigerian society. The groom has to practically fight his way, elbowing and pushing through the relatives of the bride to reach the bride. The relatives of the bride pretend that he is not good enough and makes it difficult for the groom to reach the bride. Finally, when he is able to reach the bride, he has to go down on his knees and beg her to let him marry her. This should be the new paradigm shift in attitude for prospective grooms to recognize the true value of women and marriage. Let the parents draw inspiration from the Guru’s vision on marriage expenses ‘Be Wise – Alleviate Financial Distress’.
The author gratefully acknowledges the suggestions of Dr.T.Bhaskaran and thank my wife Sakhina, who has proof-read and typed this article.
Dr.Sreekumar Sreedharan, former Associate Professor, Kerala Agricultural University, India, presently works as a Consultant and lives in Canada. 25.08.08
It is reported that Mukesh Ambani, the fifth richest man in the world is in the process of constructing the most expensive residential complex in the world, costing one billion US dollars (Rs.four thousand crores). This is the “Antilla”, twenty seven floors in downtown Mumbai, (550 feet tall, similar to a sixty storey building) 400,000 square feet and when completed will require 600 staffers to work full time for maintaining the facilities. Lakshmi Mittal, the London based Indian steel magnate, the fourth richest man in the world, recently is reported to have spent US$55 million (Rs.220 crores), to celebrate his daughter’s marriage at the Versailles palace and the celebrations were spread over six days. Subrata Roy of Sahara Group celebrated the wedding of his two sons in Lucknow, India, with 11,000 guests. Opulent marriages and extravagant spending have become fashionable and the order of the day. This trend unfortunately, has also penetrated into every segment of the Kerala society. This is an indication of the increase in consumerism and materialism, driven by the idea “I want my daughter’s / son’s wedding celebrations to be bigger and better than that of my neighbour’s daughter or son’s wedding”. The idea is that you win only if your daughter’s wedding is grander than your neighbour’s, i.e. to keep up with the Jones’, as they say in the US. This extravagance is already a vicious circle causing serious social problems.
The wedding industry in Kerala is reported to be growing at 25% annually, whereas the actual manufacturing industry is in decline. All across the state the marriage industry is flourishing through the mushrooming marriage halls that are growing not only in cities but also in the rural areas (rent is between Rs. One and two lakhs per day), jewellery and textile shops (cost of a wedding saree could be as high as Rs. two lakhs), catering centers providing multiple cuisine, interior decorators, videographers, etc. The minimum budget for a wedding ceremony in N.America is around US$26,000/-, while in India, it is reported to be US$34,000/-. No wonder Keralites spend three times more on their wedding expenses, than what the state government spends on health care. I have seen upper middle class and middle class families spending between Rs.10 lakhs and Rs.15 lakhs for their daughter’s marriage. It is interesting to analyse the various components of marriage expenses. ‘Dowry” is the most expensive component – which is given as gold and cash. The more gold jewellery the bride displays, the higher the prestige for the family. Oddly, the bride gets literally weighed down by the weight of the gold, which could be as high as 500 sovereigns. One can only imagine the physical discomfort of the bride who has to wear these heavy jewellery for several hours, and the relief when she is able to finally remove them at the end of a long day. These days the groom’s family even demands a house / apartment, a car and even household appliances such as TV, fridge, stove, etc., which are part of the dowry.
Page (2)
Then there are expenses for the wedding dress not only for the bride but also for the relatives on both sides, which sometimes even include jewellery for the family members. One must also take into account the substantial expenses for the mandap decorations and food. The families also have to bear the post marriage expenses for the reception, honeymoon, etc. Besides the obvious, there are also several hidden expenses. For e.g., the expenses relating to illuminating the houses and even in the event of a power outage, the illumination is still expected to continue with hired generators. The downside is that the parents should have deep pockets. In the west, usually the bride and the groom will pool their resources together to meet the marriage expenses and in some cases, the parents contribute whatever they can afford. In India, even in the case of a wealthy person, after the marriage of three or four daughters with this level of expenditure, it is bound to make a dent in his networth. One can only imagine the fate of parents who are forced to borrow, to meet these unnecessary expenses, which will eventually force them into financial ruin and bankruptcy. These symptoms are already appearing in our society - these deeper malaise manifest in family suicides, when the celebrations are finally over.
To understand the magnitude and gravity of this problem, we need to look at three communities in Kerala, i.e.muslims, ezhavas and nairs. The muslims traditionally always gave dowry to the bride which is called the ‘Mehr’. This is the amount a husband promises to pay the wife, which is the opposite of dowry, which is prohibited in Islam. The Quran admonishes the faithful as : “Since you have sought marital enjoyment with your wives, give them their marriage portions as stipulated (Mehr). Seek them in marriage with gifts from your property, desiring chastity, not lust. Live with them on a footing of kindness and equity.” Even when Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) married Khadija, his uncle Hamza gave the Prophet (PBUH) camels and goats as ‘dowry’, as the Prophet (PBUH) could not afford the ‘Mehr’. The Arabs still continue this tradition. In the oil rich Gulf states today, the government has set aside special marriage funds to help eligible arab boys to get married, when they are unable to come up with the ‘Mehr’. Unfortunately, in Kerala there appears to be a reversal of this tradition amongst some muslim communities, where the parents of the bride are expected to bear a lot of marriage expenditures including dowry. This is no different amongst the Hindu communities, of the ezhavas and nairs, who never offered or accepted dowry in the past. These days if the boy is a doctor (specialized), IIT engineer with an MBA, or an IAS officer, etc., they demand more gold and cash as dowry, according to their status, fully aware of the fact that it is illegal to ask for or receive dowry, which is an indictable offence. Recognizing this social evil, the government is reported to be in the process of not only introducing a law to limit marriage expenses but also to limit the number of guests invited. It is shameful that the government has to contemplate introducing luxury tax on marriage expenditure, in order to discourage the extravagance.
Kerala has always boasted of having the highest literacy rate in India. Yet, the education and knowledge do not appear to have helped them conduct marriage ceremonies in a rational manner. In my opinion, there should be a radical shift in our thinking about the purpose of marriage. Opulent and extravagant marriage celebrations are only to satisfy one’s ego, as when there are 11,000 guests for a marriage. Why does it have to be a social
Page (3)
display? Instead, it should be an occasion for close relatives and friends, who really mean well for the couple and family. It will be worthwhile for us to look into the insight of Sree Narayana Guru’s vision on weddings more than a century ago and learn from his wisdom. Sree Narayana Guru believed that the prospective bride and groom should be given an opportunity to meet and exchange ideas before finalizing an arranged marriage (this is not necessary in the case of love marriages). He suggested public places such as temples, prayer halls and community centers for such meetings. It is the duty of the parents of the bride and the bridegroom to arrange for such meetings. The practical Guru suggested that this meeting should be held at least thirty days before fixing any arranged marriage. He advocated a gap of fifteen days between the first meeting and the engagement and another fifteen days for the actual marriage to take place. This arrangement will give ample time for the young couple to introspect and think over, as they have to spend a whole life time together. This would give them an opportunity to call off the engagement or marriage, should they have second thoughts. At present, the ‘pennu kannal chadangu’ (seeing the bride for the first time) is usually held at the bride’s residence, in the presence of both family members. Usually the boy and the girl come under pressure to say either ‘yes’ or ‘no’ immediately afterwards. Instead of this, a meeting should be arranged at a public place without the relatives, so that the young couple can communicate freely in order to help them decide, as suggested by the Guru.
In my opinion, the boy and the girl should ideally meet several times and be given six months time before the engagement and another six months time after the engagement, which gives both parties ample time to get to know one another, in our present complex society. Guru wanted marriages to be held only in designated public places, where there is a facility to record marriages in appropriate legal registers. When it comes to the number of persons attending the wedding, his views were truly radical. He limited the number of people attending a wedding to ten. These ten persons are the bride and groom, their parents, one friend each of the bride and groom, a priest and a community leader. Many of us may disagree with this limited number of ten persons. Our population has grown and the society is transformed. We live in a worldwide web and the situation is not the same as in Guru’s days in the late 1800’s. It is my opinion that a guest list between 200 and 400 persons would be more appropriate for the present day, i.e. about 100 to 200 persons from each family would be in line with the sprit and teachings of Guru.
Guru encouraged a modest marriage ceremony. The priest is to hand over the ‘thali’ and garlands after saying a simple prayer seeking the blessings of God. Those who are present are asked to bless the couple. The Guru’s concept of the marriage ceremony is probably the simplest wedding anyone could conduc,t both in spirit and objective. Many of the wealthy parents do desire to spend a lot of money for the wedding celebrations, especially in the case of a single daughter. Recognizing this wish of the parents, Guru gave a practical suggestion to deposit the amount in the bank that they would have otherwise spent on the marriage expenses and give this bank receipt as a gift to the newly weds. He believed that this will help the couple’s future financial needs and also of the grandchildren. Modern financial management experts have concluded that almost everyone regardless of their wealth is likely to undergo a major financial crises at least
Page (4)
once in their lifetime. It is therefore prudent to follow the Guru’s advice asking us to think twice before indulging in extravagance. He reminds us that the consequences of
unwise spending will be unpleasant, especially for families with limited resources. This is most relevant to the population of Kerala, regardless of caste, creed and religious beliefs, as this marriage industry is spreading its tentacles across every community. Dayananda Saraswathy of Arya Samaj initiated a very simple marriage ceremony along the lines suggested by Guru. The hindu Punjabis who are followers of the Arya Samaj, do not appear to heed the advise of Dayananda Saraswathy. They indulge in lavish weddings and demand a hefty dowry, as the present day ezhavas / thiyyas, who are the followers of Sree Narayana Guru.
The Guru had expressed his views on a wide range of topics to his followers and Atmananda Swamigal, one of his disciples compiled these into a reference book ‘Sree Narayana Dharmam’ in which Guru compared giving and receiving dowry as a shameful act and considered it no different from a commercial transaction. He had strong views on the dowry system and reminded his followers that this is equivalent to buying and selling your own children. Another practical instruction from the Guru was that he wanted the couple to undergo a medical examination prior to fixing the marriage, especially for the boys. He had in depth knowledge of ayurveda (Indian traditional medicine) and was also a renowned physician. He was aware of the fact that men could have more complications from sexual dysfunction than women, especially the risks of abnormal sperms, total count, impotency etc., leading to sterility. Indirectly he was encouraging the parents to produce clean medical health reports to be exchanged, instead of horoscopes. Unfortunately, these days almost everyone is concentrating on horoscopes and pay no attention to the medical facts. Another admonition from the Guru was, that those persons with mental illness, communicable and hereditary diseases, should never get married. He referred specifically to leprosy, which was prevalent during his time and in our present day, we have to be cautious about Aids and sexually transmitted diseases.
There should be a fundamental change in our thinking and attitude and let me conclude by narrating the practice of a ‘wine ceremony’ in the Nigerian society. The groom has to practically fight his way, elbowing and pushing through the relatives of the bride to reach the bride. The relatives of the bride pretend that he is not good enough and makes it difficult for the groom to reach the bride. Finally, when he is able to reach the bride, he has to go down on his knees and beg her to let him marry her. This should be the new paradigm shift in attitude for prospective grooms to recognize the true value of women and marriage. Let the parents draw inspiration from the Guru’s vision on marriage expenses ‘Be Wise – Alleviate Financial Distress’.
The author gratefully acknowledges the suggestions of Dr.T.Bhaskaran and thank my wife Sakhina, who has proof-read and typed this article.
2 comments:
I have checked all your blog, Really you guys rocks.nice bunch of information and tips for users.i hope you will deliver same kind of good and quality blogs in future also.all the best for your blogging
Wedding Return Gifts Chennai | Silver Plated Gift Items Online
Very informative and useful article
. thank you dear sir
Post a Comment